[Kanade lets out a slow breath. Good. It's selfish, she knows, to ask someone else of this, but... maybe it's okay. To be a little selfish, in the face of death. Just this once, as much as it gnaws at her heart.]
mochizuki honami akiyama mizuki shinonome ena asahina mafuyu
[There's... there's more, now. More people she's met over the past year, who have been so kind to her. Ichika, Nene, Minori... but she knows all of them, in some way or another, know the ones she already mentioned. They... they'll be able to tell them, should they arrive.]
tell them tell them i'm sorry the last thing i want is to have hurt them but it's okay to be mad at me i don't mind
[In the end, she can only hurt the people she cares about, it seems.]
tell them that it's because of all of them that i made it as far as i did and i'll forever be thankful for having them by my side and i hope they can keep moving forward, even if i can't be with them
[There's another long pause, because.... ah... her hands are shaking as she types up this next part...]
[Even if it's selfish, to put her feelings first. With everything her friends are going through... they're what matter to Kanade. Not her. So she doesn't often give voice to how she feels, unless one of them starts asking questions.]
but i can't just do nothing now if helping with this sacrifice means that the people here who are suffering can be saved i have to do it
[Waking up in Ryslig, losing her memories, turning into a monster... so many things have rattled Kanade these past few months. But that simple question shakes her to her absolute core, gripping her by the throat so hard she forgets how to breathe.
That... that's a stupid question, isn't it? Why would someone like her deserve saving? After what she did to her father... someone like her could never deserve salvation. No, that's not the thing she clings to, the thing that kept her from disappearing in those dark, turbulent months between her father's hospitalization and when she first met Mafuyu....]
it's not salvation i deserve or salvation i work for i
[The thing that kept her alive for as long as she's been now...]
it's atonement and... saving others is the only thing i can do to atone so i have to do this
Nothing you do now will ever make up for what you’ve done.
But if you believe you are helping the greater good with your sacrifice, then by all means; I’ll be the first to support your decision.
[ if she’s going to go to the maw, might as well make her feel horrible about it. if she goes, then maybe she doesn’t really matter all that much anyway.
she’ll find another pup if she doesn’t come back, one who is less likely to throw themselves into the pit. ]
There it is again. That feeling like she can't breathe; Kanade's pretty sure she can feel her lungs stop working at those words. Everything else seems to fall away... or maybe the words are jumping out at her.
It's nothing she hasn't told herself before, but... it hurts to see them now. Coming from someone she trusted. Someone who called her a friend. And Kanade, spiraling as she is in the despair that had been kept at bay thanks to her friends back home, can only assume she did something to hurt Makima, to cause her to say that.
There's something else, too. Something at the back of her neck; a quick nip of ice. If she'd had her feet on more solid ground, she might notice how familiar it feels. But right now... she can't really feel anything other than the numb buzzing that's taken her over since the world came crumbling down around them. It's clogging up her ears, her head... making all of her senses feel so dull...]
i know what i've done is unforgivable
but i just want to try
[It's the only thing she had left to live for, before her friends. But without them here...]
i'm sorry, makima-san
cw: abusive dynamics, gaslighting, instigating suicide (up there, too 😔)
[ makima doesn’t have to know the gritty details of the girl’s guilt to get into her head; kanade fills in the blanks for her, a job well done, and quite the punishment for being so selfish and broken.
makima too, was being selfish and cruel, but her nature, her demonic lean into suffering— she just can’t help it. kanade doesn’t know what’s best for her, either. this will help just right in embedding it into her memory. she’ll never forget this feeling.
she’ll never forget her. ]
It’s alright. I forgive you, Kanade. Not only are you trying to save so many people, you’re trying to save yourself. It’s the only way to make it stop hurting so much, isn’t it?
[Ha... she's not sure if that ache will ever truly go away. Even if her father recovered, in both body and mind, even if he says he forgave her... that memory will always be there. She'll never be able to forget seeing him collapsed on the floor of his room. And because of that, her guilt will never really subside.]
i don't know but it's the only thing i can think of
[...]
if if things aren't permanent and we all come back i'll let you know if i was brought back with everyone else
[ in the meantime, makima brings herself to the ruins and overgrowth of what used to be the park. perhaps the most untouched compared to the rest of bavan, with its buildings and architecture. it's a little ugly, but it's quiet, and peaceful out here. no one really brings themselves to walk about in the open, but makima does— and she looks like she's been on a completely different plain. her slacks, button-down shirt and long black trench coat are flawless.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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just when she was enjoying the prospect of attachment, little pup? but she’ll address that after. ]
Of course.
Who are they?
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mochizuki honami
akiyama mizuki
shinonome ena
asahina mafuyu
[There's... there's more, now. More people she's met over the past year, who have been so kind to her. Ichika, Nene, Minori... but she knows all of them, in some way or another, know the ones she already mentioned. They... they'll be able to tell them, should they arrive.]
tell them
tell them i'm sorry
the last thing i want is to have hurt them
but it's okay to be mad at me
i don't mind
[In the end, she can only hurt the people she cares about, it seems.]
tell them that it's because of all of them that i made it as far as i did
and i'll forever be thankful for having them by my side
and i hope they can keep moving forward, even if i can't be with them
[There's another long pause, because.... ah... her hands are shaking as she types up this next part...]
tell mafuyu
i'm sorry i couldn't keep my promise
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it irks her a little more than watching ants trot triumphantly into poison. ]
Are you sure you don't want to say so yourself?
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i really do
[Even if it's selfish, to put her feelings first. With everything her friends are going through... they're what matter to Kanade. Not her. So she doesn't often give voice to how she feels, unless one of them starts asking questions.]
but
i can't just do nothing now
if helping with this sacrifice means that the people here who are suffering can be saved
i have to do it
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Don't you deserve saving too, Kanade?
cw: suicidal ideation
That... that's a stupid question, isn't it? Why would someone like her deserve saving? After what she did to her father... someone like her could never deserve salvation. No, that's not the thing she clings to, the thing that kept her from disappearing in those dark, turbulent months between her father's hospitalization and when she first met Mafuyu....]
it's not salvation i deserve
or salvation i work for
i
[The thing that kept her alive for as long as she's been now...]
it's atonement
and... saving others is the only thing i can do to atone
so i have to do this
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which way does she tear? ]
Kanade, I'd like to be honest with you. As a friend, who quite cares about you. Are you ready?
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of course
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Nothing you do now will ever make up for what you’ve done.
But if you believe you are helping the greater good with your sacrifice, then by all means; I’ll be the first to support your decision.
[ if she’s going to go to the maw, might as well make her feel horrible about it. if she goes, then maybe she doesn’t really matter all that much anyway.
she’ll find another pup if she doesn’t come back, one who is less likely to throw themselves into the pit. ]
cw: suicidal ideation
There it is again. That feeling like she can't breathe; Kanade's pretty sure she can feel her lungs stop working at those words. Everything else seems to fall away... or maybe the words are jumping out at her.
It's nothing she hasn't told herself before, but... it hurts to see them now. Coming from someone she trusted. Someone who called her a friend. And Kanade, spiraling as she is in the despair that had been kept at bay thanks to her friends back home, can only assume she did something to hurt Makima, to cause her to say that.
There's something else, too. Something at the back of her neck; a quick nip of ice. If she'd had her feet on more solid ground, she might notice how familiar it feels. But right now... she can't really feel anything other than the numb buzzing that's taken her over since the world came crumbling down around them. It's clogging up her ears, her head... making all of her senses feel so dull...]
i know
what i've done is unforgivable
but i just
want to try
[It's the only thing she had left to live for, before her friends. But without them here...]
i'm
sorry, makima-san
cw: abusive dynamics, gaslighting, instigating suicide (up there, too 😔)
makima too, was being selfish and cruel, but her nature, her demonic lean into suffering— she just can’t help it. kanade doesn’t know what’s best for her, either. this will help just right in embedding it into her memory. she’ll never forget this feeling.
she’ll never forget her. ]
It’s alright. I forgive you, Kanade.
Not only are you trying to save so many people, you’re trying to save yourself. It’s the only way to make it stop hurting so much, isn’t it?
But as much as I dislike it, I understand.
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i don't know
but it's the only thing i can think of
[...]
if
if things aren't permanent
and we all come back
i'll let you know if i was brought back with everyone else
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Before you bid me farewell, I’d like to see you. Will you make yourself available for me, one more time?
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[It's the least she could do, after all.]
is there a safe spot that would be good to meet up at?
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that's one of the gods here, isn't it?
i'm afraid i don't know where it is...
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Are you far from where the apartments used to be?
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um
there's a small park a few blocks away that wasn't damaged too badly
and it's easy enough to hide...
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Meet me there, then.
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i'll look for one
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she's even showered. ]