[There's a noticeable pause after just that response. Kanade's as speedy as any modern teenager with text responses, so it's clear she's feeling hesitant about what she's going to say.]
i'm going to help if if letting myself be sacrificed helps save the people here who don't deserve to suffer i have to
i know some people said that monsters come back when they die but something like this... do we know if they can? if if they don't come back if i don't can you... look for some people for me, next time new people show up?
[Kanade lets out a slow breath. Good. It's selfish, she knows, to ask someone else of this, but... maybe it's okay. To be a little selfish, in the face of death. Just this once, as much as it gnaws at her heart.]
mochizuki honami akiyama mizuki shinonome ena asahina mafuyu
[There's... there's more, now. More people she's met over the past year, who have been so kind to her. Ichika, Nene, Minori... but she knows all of them, in some way or another, know the ones she already mentioned. They... they'll be able to tell them, should they arrive.]
tell them tell them i'm sorry the last thing i want is to have hurt them but it's okay to be mad at me i don't mind
[In the end, she can only hurt the people she cares about, it seems.]
tell them that it's because of all of them that i made it as far as i did and i'll forever be thankful for having them by my side and i hope they can keep moving forward, even if i can't be with them
[There's another long pause, because.... ah... her hands are shaking as she types up this next part...]
[Even if it's selfish, to put her feelings first. With everything her friends are going through... they're what matter to Kanade. Not her. So she doesn't often give voice to how she feels, unless one of them starts asking questions.]
but i can't just do nothing now if helping with this sacrifice means that the people here who are suffering can be saved i have to do it
[Waking up in Ryslig, losing her memories, turning into a monster... so many things have rattled Kanade these past few months. But that simple question shakes her to her absolute core, gripping her by the throat so hard she forgets how to breathe.
That... that's a stupid question, isn't it? Why would someone like her deserve saving? After what she did to her father... someone like her could never deserve salvation. No, that's not the thing she clings to, the thing that kept her from disappearing in those dark, turbulent months between her father's hospitalization and when she first met Mafuyu....]
it's not salvation i deserve or salvation i work for i
[The thing that kept her alive for as long as she's been now...]
it's atonement and... saving others is the only thing i can do to atone so i have to do this
Nothing you do now will ever make up for what you’ve done.
But if you believe you are helping the greater good with your sacrifice, then by all means; I’ll be the first to support your decision.
[ if she’s going to go to the maw, might as well make her feel horrible about it. if she goes, then maybe she doesn’t really matter all that much anyway.
she’ll find another pup if she doesn’t come back, one who is less likely to throw themselves into the pit. ]
There it is again. That feeling like she can't breathe; Kanade's pretty sure she can feel her lungs stop working at those words. Everything else seems to fall away... or maybe the words are jumping out at her.
It's nothing she hasn't told herself before, but... it hurts to see them now. Coming from someone she trusted. Someone who called her a friend. And Kanade, spiraling as she is in the despair that had been kept at bay thanks to her friends back home, can only assume she did something to hurt Makima, to cause her to say that.
There's something else, too. Something at the back of her neck; a quick nip of ice. If she'd had her feet on more solid ground, she might notice how familiar it feels. But right now... she can't really feel anything other than the numb buzzing that's taken her over since the world came crumbling down around them. It's clogging up her ears, her head... making all of her senses feel so dull...]
i know what i've done is unforgivable
but i just want to try
[It's the only thing she had left to live for, before her friends. But without them here...]
i'm sorry, makima-san
cw: abusive dynamics, gaslighting, instigating suicide (up there, too 😔)
[ makima doesn’t have to know the gritty details of the girl’s guilt to get into her head; kanade fills in the blanks for her, a job well done, and quite the punishment for being so selfish and broken.
makima too, was being selfish and cruel, but her nature, her demonic lean into suffering— she just can’t help it. kanade doesn’t know what’s best for her, either. this will help just right in embedding it into her memory. she’ll never forget this feeling.
she’ll never forget her. ]
It’s alright. I forgive you, Kanade. Not only are you trying to save so many people, you’re trying to save yourself. It’s the only way to make it stop hurting so much, isn’t it?
[Ha... she's not sure if that ache will ever truly go away. Even if her father recovered, in both body and mind, even if he says he forgave her... that memory will always be there. She'll never be able to forget seeing him collapsed on the floor of his room. And because of that, her guilt will never really subside.]
i don't know but it's the only thing i can think of
[...]
if if things aren't permanent and we all come back i'll let you know if i was brought back with everyone else
[ in the meantime, makima brings herself to the ruins and overgrowth of what used to be the park. perhaps the most untouched compared to the rest of bavan, with its buildings and architecture. it's a little ugly, but it's quiet, and peaceful out here. no one really brings themselves to walk about in the open, but makima does— and she looks like she's been on a completely different plain. her slacks, button-down shirt and long black trench coat are flawless.
[ has ryslig changed? not really, although makima has found that more humans are bending to their intolerance despite the great sacrifice. just a little bit. plenty are grateful yes, but others are loud. terribly, terribly loud.
she's waiting in front of the purple pooka, and due to her appearance: no one bats a stink eye at her, but she is dressed for a casual drinking outing— finely so. ]
[Britta feels sorry for the humans. They're loud, they're scared, they don't know what to do with themselves half the time. They're furious with monsters, and rightfully so, and Britta sincerely wishes she could do something to help them out. She just doesn't know what, and she's been choosing to drink and smoke over trying to figure it out, because doing that? Is so much easier.
Britta can feel eyes on her as she makes her way over to the bar. Some stare blankly, and others glare at her so hard that if looks could kill, she'd be in deep, deep trouble. Britta's dressed in a t-shirt (altered to accommodate her crystal protrusions) and jeans, and when she notices the woman out front, she clears her throat and cautiously approaches.]
[ makima doesn't know britta's scent; she's never met her before, so she's going to have to figure this out herself with good old deduction. most of the humans among her are so identical she really cannot tell them apart, and neither does she really bother to remember each distinct scent because it's just not that important. what she does put some work into is distinguishing monsters, starting with their smell, and then working herself up with facial structure differences. she's watching both human and monsters as they pass, until there's one that comes close, gives her name‐
and with another unblinking golden-ruby gaze cast upon britta, makima smiles pleasantly and rewarding.
almost a bit too much, but just enough to pass as friendly and professional. ]
You must be Britta. Now I can say it's nice to meet you.
[Britta seems to relax as soon as she realizes that the woman standing before her is indeed Makima and not some random human who might attack her for trying to ask a question. She's had her fair share of that and doesn't want to deal with more of it any time soon. Her shoulders slump, her mouth twitches into a faint smile, and she holds her hand out to shake the other woman's.]
It's really nice to meet you too. Thanks for meeting me.
[ westerners and their shaking! makima adapts in a snap, extending her hand and shaking firmly, confidently, much like a business person who naturally exerts pressure. she begins to shrug off her coat as she enters and seems to lead. ]
Of course. Do you prefer to start lightly or strong?
[ with the drinks, that is. they are getting stares, but— notably less vocal push-back as they look for a seat to take. ]
[She says with a smile, trying to ignore the glares being shot in her direction. She doesn't love being looked at like she's a rich girl thoughtlessly flaunting her money in front of the poor and struggling, but she also gets why they would look at her like that. She's in a higher position of power.
Oh, she hates it.]
But I don't mind starting lightly today. Unless you want to go strong?
[ finding a good place to sit, makima walks with the purpose an important businessperson would boast, already ordering herself a tall mug of black beer and turning the table clerk's attention to her companion. ]
My guardian would like something light. [ go on! anyway, back to britta: ] I have yet to meet someone who could outdrink me and still keep a clear head.
[Britta says with a faint smile, leaning one elbow on the table. She sits forward a little, still unaccustomed to sitting with long, jagged rocks protruding from her back. She's going to have to get used to it, but it's seriously a challenge!]
When it comes to handling alcohol, I'm pretty average. Not terrible. Not great.
Ho ho ho! Your Secret Santa recipient is Otto Octavius!
Get Otto a present by December 26, and if you can't figure out how to deliver it, you can drop it off (clearly labelled, please!) at Crowe Clinic up until the 24th.
THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT OTTO: - goes by "octavius" on the network; - is a fish (merman).
Anything else, you're gonna have to figure out yourself. Good luck!
[A gift's been delivered to the cafe, and boy, it sure is something. It's an elaborate gift basket that's just full of fancy dog treats. There's even something in there that looks like a champagne bottle, but is really just another (huge) biscuit. It also comes with a card, which reads:
"Happy Nattensfest!
I realized I didn't really get you a cafewarming gift, so here's something for the holidays instead. I hope your little ones like it!
[Makima gets a delivery at some vague point in December from Lup's twin brother, because the snelf (snake elf) is otherwise engaged.
The basket it arrives in is choked over with ribbons and bows and glitter, heaped with beautifully packaged baked goods from Lup's bakery as well as a few 'do it yourself' kits of cookie and scone mixes, prettily layered in jars with detailed instructions on how to make them.
There's also a small mouse plushie - look, Lup was told her un was countrymouse, it's where her head went to.
And last, but absolutely not least, is three different signed 5x8 headshots of Lup herself, grinning up at the camera.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
< K > (9/27, blanket cw: mass sacrifice and possible suicidal ideation)
makima-san?
are you okay?
if you are
if you're able
if it's not too selfish of me
i have a favor to ask
<COUNTRYMOUSE>
What's the matter?
no subject
[There's a noticeable pause after just that response. Kanade's as speedy as any modern teenager with text responses, so it's clear she's feeling hesitant about what she's going to say.]
i'm going to help
if
if letting myself be sacrificed helps save the people here who don't deserve to suffer
i have to
i know some people said that monsters come back when they die
but something like this... do we know if they can?
if
if they don't come back
if i don't
can you... look for some people for me, next time new people show up?
no subject
just when she was enjoying the prospect of attachment, little pup? but she’ll address that after. ]
Of course.
Who are they?
no subject
mochizuki honami
akiyama mizuki
shinonome ena
asahina mafuyu
[There's... there's more, now. More people she's met over the past year, who have been so kind to her. Ichika, Nene, Minori... but she knows all of them, in some way or another, know the ones she already mentioned. They... they'll be able to tell them, should they arrive.]
tell them
tell them i'm sorry
the last thing i want is to have hurt them
but it's okay to be mad at me
i don't mind
[In the end, she can only hurt the people she cares about, it seems.]
tell them that it's because of all of them that i made it as far as i did
and i'll forever be thankful for having them by my side
and i hope they can keep moving forward, even if i can't be with them
[There's another long pause, because.... ah... her hands are shaking as she types up this next part...]
tell mafuyu
i'm sorry i couldn't keep my promise
no subject
it irks her a little more than watching ants trot triumphantly into poison. ]
Are you sure you don't want to say so yourself?
no subject
i really do
[Even if it's selfish, to put her feelings first. With everything her friends are going through... they're what matter to Kanade. Not her. So she doesn't often give voice to how she feels, unless one of them starts asking questions.]
but
i can't just do nothing now
if helping with this sacrifice means that the people here who are suffering can be saved
i have to do it
no subject
Don't you deserve saving too, Kanade?
cw: suicidal ideation
That... that's a stupid question, isn't it? Why would someone like her deserve saving? After what she did to her father... someone like her could never deserve salvation. No, that's not the thing she clings to, the thing that kept her from disappearing in those dark, turbulent months between her father's hospitalization and when she first met Mafuyu....]
it's not salvation i deserve
or salvation i work for
i
[The thing that kept her alive for as long as she's been now...]
it's atonement
and... saving others is the only thing i can do to atone
so i have to do this
no subject
which way does she tear? ]
Kanade, I'd like to be honest with you. As a friend, who quite cares about you. Are you ready?
no subject
of course
no subject
Nothing you do now will ever make up for what you’ve done.
But if you believe you are helping the greater good with your sacrifice, then by all means; I’ll be the first to support your decision.
[ if she’s going to go to the maw, might as well make her feel horrible about it. if she goes, then maybe she doesn’t really matter all that much anyway.
she’ll find another pup if she doesn’t come back, one who is less likely to throw themselves into the pit. ]
cw: suicidal ideation
There it is again. That feeling like she can't breathe; Kanade's pretty sure she can feel her lungs stop working at those words. Everything else seems to fall away... or maybe the words are jumping out at her.
It's nothing she hasn't told herself before, but... it hurts to see them now. Coming from someone she trusted. Someone who called her a friend. And Kanade, spiraling as she is in the despair that had been kept at bay thanks to her friends back home, can only assume she did something to hurt Makima, to cause her to say that.
There's something else, too. Something at the back of her neck; a quick nip of ice. If she'd had her feet on more solid ground, she might notice how familiar it feels. But right now... she can't really feel anything other than the numb buzzing that's taken her over since the world came crumbling down around them. It's clogging up her ears, her head... making all of her senses feel so dull...]
i know
what i've done is unforgivable
but i just
want to try
[It's the only thing she had left to live for, before her friends. But without them here...]
i'm
sorry, makima-san
cw: abusive dynamics, gaslighting, instigating suicide (up there, too 😔)
makima too, was being selfish and cruel, but her nature, her demonic lean into suffering— she just can’t help it. kanade doesn’t know what’s best for her, either. this will help just right in embedding it into her memory. she’ll never forget this feeling.
she’ll never forget her. ]
It’s alright. I forgive you, Kanade.
Not only are you trying to save so many people, you’re trying to save yourself. It’s the only way to make it stop hurting so much, isn’t it?
But as much as I dislike it, I understand.
no subject
i don't know
but it's the only thing i can think of
[...]
if
if things aren't permanent
and we all come back
i'll let you know if i was brought back with everyone else
no subject
Before you bid me farewell, I’d like to see you. Will you make yourself available for me, one more time?
no subject
[It's the least she could do, after all.]
is there a safe spot that would be good to meet up at?
no subject
no subject
that's one of the gods here, isn't it?
i'm afraid i don't know where it is...
no subject
Are you far from where the apartments used to be?
no subject
um
there's a small park a few blocks away that wasn't damaged too badly
and it's easy enough to hide...
no subject
Meet me there, then.
no subject
i'll look for one
no subject
she's even showered. ]
@baggels (closed)
she's waiting in front of the purple pooka, and due to her appearance: no one bats a stink eye at her, but she is dressed for a casual drinking outing— finely so. ]
no subject
Britta can feel eyes on her as she makes her way over to the bar. Some stare blankly, and others glare at her so hard that if looks could kill, she'd be in deep, deep trouble. Britta's dressed in a t-shirt (altered to accommodate her crystal protrusions) and jeans, and when she notices the woman out front, she clears her throat and cautiously approaches.]
Um. Hi. Are you... Makima?
no subject
and with another unblinking golden-ruby gaze cast upon britta, makima smiles pleasantly and rewarding.
almost a bit too much, but just enough to pass as friendly and professional. ]
You must be Britta. Now I can say it's nice to meet you.
no subject
It's really nice to meet you too. Thanks for meeting me.
no subject
Of course. Do you prefer to start lightly or strong?
[ with the drinks, that is. they are getting stares, but— notably less vocal push-back as they look for a seat to take. ]
no subject
[She says with a smile, trying to ignore the glares being shot in her direction. She doesn't love being looked at like she's a rich girl thoughtlessly flaunting her money in front of the poor and struggling, but she also gets why they would look at her like that. She's in a higher position of power.
Oh, she hates it.]
But I don't mind starting lightly today. Unless you want to go strong?
no subject
[ finding a good place to sit, makima walks with the purpose an important businessperson would boast, already ordering herself a tall mug of black beer and turning the table clerk's attention to her companion. ]
My guardian would like something light. [ go on! anyway, back to britta: ] I have yet to meet someone who could outdrink me and still keep a clear head.
no subject
[Britta says with a faint smile, leaning one elbow on the table. She sits forward a little, still unaccustomed to sitting with long, jagged rocks protruding from her back. She's going to have to get used to it, but it's seriously a challenge!]
When it comes to handling alcohol, I'm pretty average. Not terrible. Not great.
no subject
[ they're just here to talk, right? when their drinks come along, makima sips at her mug. mmm. foamy. ]
Now— You're an anarchist?
no subject
Sure am. Loud and proud. I'm all about defying authority, doing what feels right even if it goes against the rules!
no subject
no subject
[She stops to drink her own beer, downing about a quarter of her glass in one hit. Oops.]
My world was rife with those things, and so many people had just... stopped fighting!
no subject
[ . . . her perfect world, maybe, but her chance to create such a place in her world was stolen from her. ]
Where human greed walks, corruption prevails.
no subject
It's so true, and I wish it wasn't. Humans are... the worst. We need to do better.
<KrisKringle>
Get Otto a present by December 26, and if you can't figure out how to deliver it, you can drop it off (clearly labelled, please!) at Crowe Clinic up until the 24th.
THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT OTTO:
- goes by "octavius" on the network;
- is a fish (merman).
Anything else, you're gonna have to figure out yourself. Good luck!
Nattensfest time
"Happy Nattensfest!
I realized I didn't really get you a cafewarming gift, so here's something for the holidays instead. I hope your little ones like it!
Cheers, Steven (and Crumpet)"]
secret santa smooches
The basket it arrives in is choked over with ribbons and bows and glitter, heaped with beautifully packaged baked goods from Lup's bakery as well as a few 'do it yourself' kits of cookie and scone mixes, prettily layered in jars with detailed instructions on how to make them.
There's also a small mouse plushie - look, Lup was told her un was countrymouse, it's where her head went to.
And last, but absolutely not least, is three different signed 5x8 headshots of Lup herself, grinning up at the camera.]